Buy Your Girl Some Goddamn Flowers

Why should you buy your girl flowers? Yeah, they look nice and smell nice at first, but they're goddamn expensive and just going to look all weepy and shitty and then die after a week or so anyway, right? So why buy them in the first place? I'll tell you why. The reason is, your girl loves to be given goddamn flowers. She digs that shit! And she'll dig the shit out of you too! Even if you've been together for five goddamn years or something, all of the sudden, you buy her flowers, and she sees you as this brilliant, beautiful, classic romantic, hunk of a man. Now all the guys are thinking to themselves, "I already am a goddamn brilliant, beautiful, classic romantic, hunk of a man." The girls would be half laughing, half puking over the edge of your nasty toilet seats when they realize you think that of yourself already. Speaking of, clean your nasty-ass bathrooms guys. She hates that shit (pun intended). But in all seriousness, you are most likely not that romantic. Even if you just don't buy her flowers because she tells you you don't need to, or she doesn't want them, she would love some fucking flowers from her fucking boyfriend (or whatever you call yourself for those of you who are too insecure and "don't want to put a label on it," but that's another topic). And don't give her flowers just because you're sorry and you need to kick your apology up a notch, which isn't always a bad idea. Do it just to do it. Just because you want to give her something nice and spoil her. That's when her mind is fooled into transforming you into some unreal man out of a goddamn romance novel or something. Just buy buy girl some goddamn flowers.

But really, clean your nasty-ass bathroom. Otherwise, after she becomes the glowing recipient of her beautiful flowers, and she is overtaken by a sudden friskiness, she might make a quick trip to freshen up a bit before returning to jump your bones. However, when she sees the black soap caked in your shower, and the carpet of hairs lining your counters and sink from shaving, and the plaque and pus dotting your mirror from flossing and popping zits at your reflection, and the accumulation piss speckles coating the area in, on, and around your toilet, she just might get sick and run out your front door, not even glancing at you for fear of vomiting, and forgetting all about her flowers.